Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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