i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
