i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
