by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize