I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
