question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
