Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize