I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
