I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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