He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
