My hand turned me down
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
