I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
