Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize