this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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