my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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