good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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