just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
