my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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