so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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