Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
PANTIES FOUND
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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