I just pynch a tree in the face
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
