I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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