From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize