I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
