so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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