I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
