Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
