Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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