she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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