my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
