i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize