you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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