I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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