1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i permit you to call me
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Randomize
