A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
