life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
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