i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
i think i just lost a toe
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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