the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
