I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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