all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize