The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
