Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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