Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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