at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
