Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
