I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
