I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
So I just went to clothing optional bar
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
