I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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