someone threw a dead crab at me
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
