We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
