I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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