i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
