I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
