allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
