Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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