if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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