come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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