Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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