You just made me feel so damn special
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
