I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
