just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
