Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Randomize
