I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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