dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
