I understand Curling. That high.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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